Updated: Jun 20, 2020

Prior to 2015 I thought that betrayal was an act of breaking a promise. If I ever used the word it was always in this context. My understanding of betrayal assumed the existence of some sort of commitment – a promise, an oath, a commitment. For example; when I kissed my best friend’s ex-boyfriend, I betrayed her because there was an understanding of not crossing lines with exes and when I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me, it was a betrayal because there was a mutual commitment of fidelity.

I used to think that my understanding of betrayal was accurate and clear cut.

From January 2016 I started getting exposed to betrayal on a different level! I was either been betrayed or I was accused of it. I now realise how subjective this bloody thing truly is. In my previous life, it used to be crystal clear… now its like murky mud!

  1. I believe that Trillian betrayed me. I believe that employers should not intentionally put their employees at risk. Trillian put me in a situation where I have lost my career and sanity. On the flip side, Trillian could accuse me of betraying them by blowing the whistle.

  2. I believe that my ex-husband betrayed me. I believe that he was supposed to love me and not push me. On the flip side, he could accuse me of not taking his advice and allowing the state capture situation to bother me too much.

  3. I believe that my Church betrayed me. They should’ve helped me when I was trying to get away from my husband. Rather, they encouraged me to get couple’s counselling and remain in my marriage. On the flip side they could say that I should’ve honoured my marriage.

  4. I believe that some people in Sage betrayed me. Whilst preparing for parliament many executives promised to support me. They didn’t when the CEO accepted my resignation. I can’t think of a flip side to this one …

  5. A friend of mine betrayed me by going to the Public Protector and volunteering my disclosure. That decision should have been mine to make and not hers. When this happened, I distanced myself from her – how could she do this to me? I kept asking myself. She in turn accused me of betraying her by keeping my distance.

No one tells you that betrayal is a coin with two faces …. There is always two fucking faces!!!! If you are betrayed, you feel shit and angry and disappointed and let down.If you are accused of betraying someone you feel guilty and shame and also disappointment.

It doesn’t even fucking matter if you were betrayed or being accused of it – the tail of betrayal is always guilt or some derivative of it. It sucks!

When the waves of betrayal are relentless, like a storm whilst its high tide, how do you breathe? How do you tread water? I can tell you what I did.

I dug a really deep hole and crawled into it. I stayed there for a while. In the dark, crying and angry hoping to die. I find myself in that same place now.

Time grants you some sanity. You eventually come out of the hole … I got help in the form of a psychiatrist and Zoloft. Whilst getting help, the waves came back. This time though it wasn’t a storm although it feels like high tide. I realise that the feeling of high tide is a consequence of trauma. At least I understand it a little bit better …

Since leaving Sygnia in 2018 I have been able to support myself and my Daughter through ad hoc consulting work linked in some way or the other to state capture and trying to expose it. My skills support forensic analysis (see my downloads page).

I can’t undo my skillset.

I can’t undo Trillian.

I can’t undo my trauma.

Thus, my work to date is personal. It cannot be separate matters. State Capture is personal to me. I was in the fucking machine for fuck sakes!

Someone that I cared for very deeply said that I betrayed them by crossing the line between work and personal whilst work was personal and personal was work. I ruminate on this almost daily… was this betrayal from my side or was I betrayed? When did betrayal become “Do as I say.”?

More recently I have been accused of betrayal by sharing my work on this website. I find myself conflicted. Was I not supposed to leverage my work to gain further opportunities? Was I not supposed to carry on with my intention of helping the country fight against State Capture?

To the people who have accused me of betraying them…

Dear Hypocrite,

Thank you for saying that I am strong and brave. I see that you value my stance against Trillian. In conversation you agree that following my gut was the right thing to do. You acknowledge my bravery of standing up against those who told me what to do, although they were wrong. I followed my gut, did the right thing and you praise me for it.

Alas, you are now a Trillian in my life. I simply disagree with you and I am not afraid to stand by it in the same way that I did before.

To Trillian; I will not apologize. You deceived me.

To my friend; I will not apologize for ghosting you. You put my family at risk.

To my church; I will not apologize for getting divorced. My daughter will not learn from me, that girls get pushed around.

To my ex-husband; fuck you!

To my ex colleague; I will not apologize for prioritising my work above your subjective boundaries which were blurred through mutual consent.

To all of my accusers, thanks for the storm during high tide. Know that I am happy either way – either I die or I will learn the hard way to tread water. I have survived this before and am happy with the consequences that come with bravery. I wish you could sincerely say the same.

Your sincerely,

Someone who won’t feel guilty for backing herself.

That’s the thing about been brave, you are so alone and the waves appear to never stop.

This I know – if I died today, I would die as someone who did the right thing.

I get that this post may seem harsh … see the next one for some context.

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