A Blog by: Qu-ingB

It has taken a while, but I am finally unpacking my past with the lense of being gender fluid. I always believed it was being gay that needed all the work and probably why at 18 years old, I took the leap to just be gay.

It was safe for me to do that at the time. But it has just been recently that I have started embracing and understanding myself as gender fluid.

I went to High School in the 90's. There was no such thing as equality for all (outside of ethnicity)the women empowerment, LGBT+ rights etc were not as promiment and visible as they are today. So where I lived at the time required me to suppress so much of who I was to survive and stay safe.

My shield and ticket out of hell was academics. So I worked super hard at being the best, outshining anyone I could for each and every subject I did in High School. The closer I could score 100% for any exam was success. It kept the focus off the parts of me I hated, it kept me safe with the adults around me, it got me some form of praise. I was seen!

So I dared to entertain the idea that I could be Head Boy. Now being Head Boy was such a great honour. You were the example for all the other boys. You were the example of being this outstanding young man to be looked up to and the example of excellence.

Now in retrospect, I was never going to be Head Boy no matter what I did. I was gender fluid from birth! And it was a light that shined so bright, I could never dim it even if I tried to. God made sure of that and today I thank Him for that!

My reality was to embody and express both the masculine and feminine within me. And yes it was different. It was confusing to those around me, sometimes a joke, sometimes getting some people angry.....bottom line, it attracted quite a lot of unwanted opinions, judgements or the most painful... shame, this poor boy! His life is just sad!

So when they chose a CIS, straight, masculine, super handsome Head Boy, there was my answer. That was the example of being an outstanding young man. One we should all aim to be and live up to. I had to settle for being a Deputy Head Boy.

Again I would tell myself as a 17 year old. Again this "Feminine Light" is ruining my life. Again, people see this bright feminine light, they don't see my value, they don't see me, they are constantly distracted by this aspect of me. This aspect that has shown time and time again that I am worthless, useless, ugly, a walking joke!

That is what crushed that 17 year old human being. That story of expressing the feminine within made them wrong and less of a human being. That they were destined to a sad, having a painful, pathetic life because of it.

It continues to be a journey of loving myself and embracing all of me including this bright, loud Feminine expression I have going on. I will say, that part of me is the strongest aspect I know. committed, rises up to express another day and does not dim for anything or anyone. I have to just surrender and let them be!

Looking back now with love for myself. I can say I am very proud of that 17 year old gender fluid human being. They were brave enough to change the system. That 17 year old created a matric legacy that lives on today more than 20 years later. The matric tie (acknowledging the right of passage to the new world), a student committee that represented all types of people and spoke for the people, the school magazine that brought the stories that needed to be told.

Without really knowing it, that 17 year old used their SUPERPOWERS.... the gentle, nurturing, deeply influential feminine energies to create safety for change and growth. The action orientated, make it happen, forceful masculine energy to get the outcomes. All perfectly integrated in a human being.

They did not need the title of HEADBOY.

It did not go with their look and energy in any event. So the person I am today is proud of the 17 year old that dusted themselves off and decided to add value in any case despite a title they could not get.

And by God’s Grace, it all came into being. Amen.

That 17 year old stepping into my world today would be super excited of what is to come. I have used our superpowers to create the life that makes me happy! and at the end of the day, inner peace, enjoying love and powerful connections and moments, growing everyday into a better human being really is the measure of success.

And regardless of whether you are a male, female or somewhere in between, it is the common desire!


Take care and love and light

Qu-ingB xxx

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