I wish that I found myself in a position to impart wisdom towards the process of rebuilding your life; you know, that deep stuff – the philosophical stuff of putting humpty dumpty back together again.... Truth is that If I attempted it, I would be lying and lose all credibility with myself!

I believe that God encouraged me to write a book... which has now become a blog. Regardless, this process initiated my healing process and has forced me to look back and forward. Alot of what I have published so far speaks to the past but it's time to look at the future, hence this blog talks to my HOPE...

Although this blog has been written on reflection, this chapter talks to my hope. I call it hope because I have no idea what my future looks like and when my next journey will start. This blog is an inflection point. that i know as truth.

My journey has had many false starts and with each there was a lesson to be learnt. Between the many false starts God showed up and showed me whose the real Boss! I believe that where I find myself right now is exactly where God wants me to be and the truth is that I had to go through epic fails to get to this place.

God works through everything and through the weirdest and wackiest of things.

If it wasn’t for this blog, I would not have appreciated how impatient I have been with myself because I never allowed myself the time to deal with all that was happening around me for many years. How could I possibly expect to just move on after all that has happened?

In as much as God wants me to be stronger and wiser through my experience I know that He is also a compassionate God and hence, time and process to reflect; are more important than the instances of events.

One of the most significant lessons that I have taken away from my journey is the importance of taking one day at a time. God calls for Christians to have faith. This means that you have to believe in God’s promises for your life, surrender to Him and believe in the things that are not seen. If you keep planning for the future so that your journey is by your design, do you really have faith?

After surrendering my life to God, I call on His promises and put my faith in Him. Only after that, do I try to find beauty in everything for that day. I have learnt to find beauty in Barbie, puzzles and making cupcakes. I have found humour in attempting to fix a broken shower head and repairing a pink bicycle. I have found pride in buying and filling a toolbox. My toolbox represents my strength and independence. Mildred and I have perfected braaiing the perfect steak – we no longer rely on a male of sorts to provide us with meat and the method. The afternoons spent with Mildred debating if the coals were ready and if the steak was cooked, have been priceless and perfect.

I am starting to repair my vessel by smiling more and sincerely laughing. There is so much to be grateful for, that I can not keep focusing on what happened. The more I do that, the more I don’t see the beauty in today.

There are many moments in the day where anxiety starts to build up and i find myself getting anxious because I don’t desire to hurt or disappoint people that I love and care about. The guilt builds up in an instant.

Living a life that is completely honest and transparent has resulted in some unplanned behaviour from my side – I find that I pray for Michael. I thank God for blessing him with a great job and for being an amazing father to Chloe’. I thank God that Chloe’ has a father who is a strong man of God and I pray that God will continue to work in him to make him even stronger. I find it bizarre that I pray for the man that hit me, but wont stop praying.

I thank God every single day for my Parents. I know that if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn't be here today.

I thank God everyday for BB and Tush. They keep me honest and always remind me of who i Am. I know that i do the same for them. I thank God that i share my life with them!

I sit here, penning these words and I feel no fear nor anger towards anyone from my past. I have found an amazing sense of peace through the process of writing this blog.

I have accepted the harsh truth that the relationships in my life had to be reconsidered and redefined. Some actions were initiated by myself and others not. I lost a few relationships along the way but don’t regret the loss.

The people in my life now strengthen and encourage me. The company that I keep now is very selective and it is good. God is working in a special way and He started by changing my eyes – I see things differently and have the strength to change what I need to.

I am not ready to start dating. I am not ready to get new friends just yet. I know that God will let me know when the time is right.

For now, God wants me to end this story here.

There is no pattern and process to repair broken vessels – you have to just know that God is the perfect Potter and He does things His way. You just have to have faith.

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