"God didn’t bring me up this mountain to through me over the edge!” - Gavin Craythorne
As part of my therapy, I have had to learn to do a few really difficult things. One been that I have to acknowledge my feelings and sit with them. The other been that I have to reflect, not ruminate, on things with an objective view.
I found myself doing that this morning. I currently sit with an endless dark pit of anger, disappointment and feelings of betrayal for reasons mentioned in previous blog posts. This morning, whilst watching birds fly around, I decide to pull apart each incident of anger, betrayal and disappointment.
I decided to share this highly personal blog because the outcome surprised me. Instead of reliving those experiences, I reacted differently. I was compassionate to myself for making the choices that I made and understanding to the other party. For some unknown reason, this led me to writeup a list of “Pros” and ‘Cons”, as I see them now, relating to my whistleblowing experience.
I share this list here and I refer to my experience as “It”
It has fundamentally altered my life;
It has changed my purpose focus;
It allowed me to publicly acknowledge my God and my Parents;
It put me in a state of trauma which led me to therapy;
It completely made me change my perspective of being a mother;
It has completely altered my perception of my ex-husband;
It has weeded out people from my life that are not good for me, and has introduced new relationships which appear to be healthier for me;
It has restored and grown my Faith;
It has made me realise that I can not handle everything on my own;
It has led me to fear nothing except God.
It was the scariest time of my life;
It led to enormous uncertainty which still remains;
It made me feel lost, although I wasn’t;
It made my past career redundant, but is forcing me to define myself.
Through this process I realise that at my lowest, I looked to other people to help carry the burden. I was silly. No one can carry the cross that God gives to you – only He can. Hence, I got disappointed, angry and felt betrayed a lot.
God gave me this cross for a reason that I don’t yet know why, although the “Pros” column speaks volumes. Yes I lost my career and marriage. Perhaps they were not good for me in any case.
I have made a deliberate decision to celebrate the “Pros”.
I am grateful that God has given my life a new focus. With all that I have, I am going to do my best to honour this new direction.
I am actively going to work towards making my own business work and I will remain an advocate for change in the Country.
Wish me luck!