"God didn’t bring me up this mountain to through me over the edge!” - Gavin Craythorne

As part of my therapy, I have had to learn to do a few really difficult things. One been that I have to acknowledge my feelings and sit with them. The other been that I have to reflect, not ruminate, on things with an objective view.

I found myself doing that this morning. I currently sit with an endless dark pit of anger, disappointment and feelings of betrayal for reasons mentioned in previous blog posts. This morning, whilst watching birds fly around, I decide to pull apart each incident of anger, betrayal and disappointment.

I decided to share this highly personal blog because the outcome surprised me. Instead of reliving those experiences, I reacted differently. I was compassionate to myself for making the choices that I made and understanding to the other party. For some unknown reason, this led me to writeup a list of “Pros” and ‘Cons”, as I see them now, relating to my whistleblowing experience.

I share this list here and I refer to my experience as “It”


  • It has fundamentally altered my life;

  • It has changed my purpose focus;

  • It allowed me to publicly acknowledge my God and my Parents;

  • It put me in a state of trauma which led me to therapy;

  • It completely made me change my perspective of being a mother;

  • It has completely altered my perception of my ex-husband;

  • It has weeded out people from my life that are not good for me, and has introduced new relationships which appear to be healthier for me;

  • It has restored and grown my Faith;

  • It has made me realise that I can not handle everything on my own;

  • It has led me to fear nothing except God.


  • It was the scariest time of my life;

  • It led to enormous uncertainty which still remains;

  • It made me feel lost, although I wasn’t;

  • It made my past career redundant, but is forcing me to define myself.

Through this process I realise that at my lowest, I looked to other people to help carry the burden. I was silly. No one can carry the cross that God gives to you – only He can. Hence, I got disappointed, angry and felt betrayed a lot.

God gave me this cross for a reason that I don’t yet know why, although the “Pros” column speaks volumes. Yes I lost my career and marriage. Perhaps they were not good for me in any case.

I have made a deliberate decision to celebrate the “Pros”.

I am grateful that God has given my life a new focus. With all that I have, I am going to do my best to honour this new direction.

I am actively going to work towards making my own business work and I will remain an advocate for change in the Country.

Wish me luck!

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