I know about trauma to the extent that you read about it in the news. I would read about people suffering trauma from assaults, divorces or losing their livelihood. That’s all that I knew about it. I appreciated that it was difficult for people to recover and that an event or a series of events changed their lives.

I grew up in a protective family. My parents would do anything to protect my brother and I. reasonably, I never grew up experiencing trauma and thus I was never equipped to handle nor manage it… and then in 2015 my life changed.

Trauma is funny that way, I think… you don’t always realize it when it happens.

Its now four years later and only now can I see my fight, flight, freeze response in perspective. I thank God for my psychiatrist and that she had stood by me for two years, every week for two years and counting.

I tried to kill myself at least three times. Now, I can proudly say that I have found many reasons for living and I don’t want to die anymore.

I write this as a person suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. I am not yet better, but I am on my way to living a better life. I find myself needing to write this blog …

I experienced trauma through my brief tenure at Trillian as CEO of Trillian Management Consulting. This had a knock-on effect in my relationships which resulted in me losing my husband, career, home and sense of self-worth. These changes in my life spanned an 18-month period and honestly, no one could have prepared me for that extent of change in my life.

When I look back at the past four years, I describe trauma has an overwhelming constant fear. Everything appears to threaten you and its reasonable when you consider the loss experienced. The fear paralyzes you in the same way that drug addiction leads the host to constantly seek the next high. Sometimes I would want to face fear head on to test my strength and other times I would seek safety from complete strangers. I was desperate to not be scared anymore.

I appreciate the importance of needing to have control of your life. For me, part of my recovery is this blog.

I struggle with the balance of life and my trauma.

I have been erratic, insecure and traumatised over the past four years.

I am still scared.

I still get triggered.

I don't have answers...

I am recovering, although it’s a really tough battle.

To the people that love and care for me, I don’t know what else I can say except that I am committed to getting better. I didn’t ask for this, it just happened. Please allow me to figure out how to heal.

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