I write this blog as an unemployed single mom who has just paid her doctor’s bill. GEEZ! This shit aint cheap! But its worth it...
My trauma manifested itself in a series of incidents that changed my life and it felt that I didn’t have control over it.
When I left my mining career to join Trillian, I didn’t know that I was getting embroiled in state capture.
When I got married, I didn’t know that my husband would physically abuse me.
Subsequently, I didn’t really think that I would have to fight for custody over my daughter, that people would become to know me as a whistle-blower, that I would lose my career, sanity, friends and savings.
I honestly didn’t know…
I honestly didn’t know that this was trauma and that once you get it, it’s a constant battle to live a life without it.
To those uninformed, trauma is a result of not having control over some big things in your life. The result is that you get paranoid and live in fear and the only way to ‘fix’ it, is to have control over your life.
I am recovering from trauma and as such, I need to feel that I have complete control over my life. This manifests itself in numerous ways:
I detest being told what to do. Rather, please invest and take the time to explain;
I do not trust anyone to make decision for me. This naivety has shown me my arse in the biggest possible way! Please just don’t think you're helping. Only I can help myself;
Threats don’t work. For someone who operates in the fight/ flight/ freeze mode all the time, know that my adrenal glands are very matured and I will prove you wrong;
I am already scared of everything all the time whilst I am convicted in doing the right thing. Again, if you are seeking compromise, you won’t find it here. My decision making is precise and informed by an extremely high level of cortisol.
Lastly, I can not prioritise forgiveness and understanding when living is so hard for me. Please pick a number and proceed to the queue – your ticket number will be address as soon as the next operator becomes available.